


The Worst Part

by nobinaries



Category: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, First Time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 22:14:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11860695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nobinaries/pseuds/nobinaries
Summary: Sara opens up about why abuse cases bring out the worst in her.





	1. Chapter 1

 

**_1._ **

_\--Grissom. I can’t believe it was Grissom of all the people to show up on my doorstep and get me to talk about…it.  Amazing how something that can be so defining, can become this huge black emotional hole in my brain, and yet i still can’t name it.--_

 

Sara still sat curled up in her chair tears drying on her face, beer now warm on the table, in shock.  The single most emotionally unavailable man she had ever tried to involve herself with had just come into her house and gotten her to reveal her deepest darkest secret.  It’s not exactly how she expected the story too come out.  Then again she never really expected the story to come out.  Of course, she hadn’t really told him the worst part yet.

As Grissom was leaving Eklie’s office and working his way to his own he could hear her coming after him.  Her quick sure steps were catching up to him and he could almost feel that aura of strength, the one that entered a room before she did, hot on his heals.  He really didn’t want a Catherine ass chewing right now.  He had already been through an emotional ringer tonight and being yelled at for not firing Sara was not going to make it any better.

 Stopping short in the hallway he decided to end this before it could start. He turned to see Catherine stopping and fixing him with an angry glare, her hands on her hips and fire in her eyes.

 “Catherine I – “

 “I don’t want to hear it Grissom.  You didn’t do anything did you. Not a damn thing.”  Catherine stated with angry confidence.

 “I went to Sara and I talked to her.  Maybe before you make your assumptions you should try it,”  Grissom said knowing that they needed to settle this.  “She will stay on suspension for the week and is already in therapy. You know she’s too good for us to lose you just can’t admit it to yourself. “

 Catherine stood momentarily stunned that Grissom was laying this all out on the table. “Gil, I’m not Eklie I know you don’t want to lose Sara but something’s gotta be done and I really don’t see what my talking to her is going to accomplish.”

 “Maybe nothing, but it’s the least you can do.  It’s the least you would do for anyone else.”  With that Grissom turned and headed for his office.  If Catherine was going to make a decision that was up to her, he was finished.

Catherine was again taken aback by Grissom’s forcefulness and his bluntness.  The truth was she knew he was right.  When she and Nick had been working at cross purposes on a case she had been there to listen about why.  Even recently with Warrick even though she had to be the boss she gave him the benefit of the doubt.  She was even there for Greg.  She had to admit it was different with Sara.  Maybe it was time to change that.  There had been periods of their tenuous relationship when they had actually been almost friends.  Catherine was self-aware enough to know she played a major role in why those times never lasted very long.  She was a volatile woman, no doubt about it, especially when she was trying to keep someone at arms length.  She also knew why she pushed Sara away.  As she walked down the hall heading for the parking garage she tried to figure a way to talk to Sara without opening that particular can of worms.


	2. Chapter 2

**2.**

 

“Okay.  I have got to do something,” Sara said to her empty living room as she got up out of her chair.  She knew if she just sat there thinking about her conversation with Grissom she would slowly go insane.  Her beer was still sitting on the table and she reached for it to find it warm and no longer drinkable.  For lack of anything else to do she took it to the kitchen sink and poured the bottle down the drain.

 

Sara headed for the fridge for a fresh brew only to end up standing there with the door open.  “What the hell am I doing,” she asked her mostly empty refrigerator.

 

\-- I told my PEAP counselor I didn’t have a drinking problem I had a me problem.  I guess I had better make that true.—

 

Standing up and closing the door Sara left the chilled bottles of beer for another time just as she heard a tentative knock on her door.

 

\-- Freaking fabulous, God I hope that’s not Grissom again I really don’t think I could handle another one of those talks.—

 

 

 

Catherine couldn’t believe she had actually taken Grissom’s advice on how to handle an extremely delicate emotional situation.  She’s standing outside Sara’s door expecting to what; have a heart to heart with someone who barely trusts her, with someone she barely knows outside of work, someone she’s fairly certain her daughter knows better than she does, someone she had the urge to slap more than once today. 

 

\--What the hell am I doing here—

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Sara asked with that edge of defensiveness creeping into her voice.

 

Suddenly surprised out of her own thoughts Catherine looked up to see a doorway suddenly full of angry brunette.  Brunette who looked like she’d spent the better part of the day crying. 

 

“Wow Sara, you look like shit,” Catherine stated matter-of-factly.

 

“Thank you for the keen observation, again I ask, are you here for a reason?” Sara asked pushing her anger to the front of the emotional mess she’d been left with today.  Hopefully that would protect her long enough for Catherine to leave.  Maybe she should have had that beer after all. 

 

“Yes I am here for a reason.  But I’ve had more than my fair share of public battles with you today Sara.  I’d really prefer not to have this one in the hallway.”  Catherine looked up at Sara with just a bit of a challenge in her eyes letting Sara know that she would have this conversation in the hall if forced to.

 

Sara stared back caught in a struggle.  The last thing she wanted to do was let Catherine into her apartment so she could have her ass handed to her for their confrontation at work.  However, the prospects of having that happen in the hallway are even less appealing.  With a sigh and acceptance of the inevitable Sara lowered her eyes and moved aside allowing Catherine to pass through the doorway.

 


	3. Chapter 3

3.

Sara closed the door and turned to face Catherine waiting for the inevitable explosion, waiting for both barrels to unload. That was until she actually looked at Catherine and realized for the first time in her memory Catherine looked as uncomfortable as Sara usually felt. That was not exactly what she was expecting. Her trademark smirk started to sneak onto her face as she realized the uncomfortable silence may well be worse for Catherine than for her. Silence was safe for her, she’s used to it, it worked in her favor. That being the case she would not, under any circumstances, break it.

As the silence extended Catherine realized another battle of wills was beginning. She also knew it was going to be up to her to start this. She was, after all, the genius who decided to take Grissom’s advice and come over here to have this out.

“We have to talk about what happened. If we are going to be able to work together in any capacity I can’t wonder if you are going to go ballistic on me in the halls anytime I say something you don’t like or ask the wrong question.” That’s it, Catherine, make sure the conversation is about her issues and is being steered far, far away from yours. Keep it all about work and you can make it out of here in one piece.

“Right, okay then, I promise not to make any observations about your judgment on a case or a suspect no matter how correct they may be. Satisfied?” Sara was keeping her anger up front like a shield to deflect any possibility of opening herself up twice in one day. She knew that the one person who would be able to get her to talk more about her childhood was the last person she expected to ever try. She also happened to be the person now standing determinedly in her living room. If she let Catherine into that locked down place in her heart she knew the secrets of her dark past wouldn’t be all she let out.

Catherine knew Sara was trying to push her buttons to get her to fight back and it was damn close to working. Her anger at Sara’s earlier accusations about the way she used her sexuality was not far under the surface. If Catherine were to admit it the only thing keeping her from launching into Sara was that every time she looked at her, just behind the anger in her eyes, was a look Catherine usually only saw in victims. There was a fragility to Sara that Catherine hadn’t seen before today. Whatever it was she talked to Grissom about must have been major. The investigator in her wanted to know what happened. And, she realized, the woman in her never wanted Sara have that look again.

“Okay, I can see you are not going to make this easy. Not that I would expect you too, you are far too skilled at making things difficult. Let me lay this out there for you Sara. The question I asked you earlier today is still one I want an answer to. I want to know why whenever a case comes anywhere near domestic violence you go off the deep end. I want to know why anger is your first reaction whenever I call you on something. I want to know what the hell is going on with you.”

Sara’s voice took on a quiet, cold tone “Gee, you don’t want much do you.”

“No, I’m asking for a lot Sara. I know there’s really not a history of openness between us and you probably don’t trust me much but for the good of our working lives and the good of both our teams we have to have an understanding here.” Catherine was fighting valiantly to keep this conversation in terms of work. She knew she was trying to get extremely personal information from Sara but she couldn’t let herself talk about all the reasons she wanted to know what was going on. 

“For the good of our working relationship, huh. That’s one reason I suppose,” Sara tossed back. You aren’t getting in that easily Catherine. This was harder than Sara thought it would be, this keeping Catherine out. There was a big part of her that had wanted so desperately, for so long for Catherine to reach out to her, to want to know her. She couldn’t just give in to that. 

There was a reason she went after unavailable men. They were just that - unavailable and men, it was much easier not to get hurt when, ultimately, you weren’t that attached in the first place. Open yourself up and there was the risk of pain, of hurt, of being rejected, of finding out that all along your father was right and you don’t deserve love anyway. If she opened up now the safety would be gone and when it all turned out wrong the loneliness was so much worse.

“You think you know how much you are asking Catherine. You have no idea.” Sara stated this clearly so there was no room for misunderstanding. She really had no idea how she managed to do it as she felt the tears she thought were done pressing at the back of her eyes. She turned from Catherine and went to the window breathing slowly to keep the tears at bay.

Not sure what was possessing her to take the most dangerous route possible Catherine took the few short steps across the room and reached out to touch Sara. Unable to stop herself her hand gently came to rest on Sara’s shoulder. She felt the tension, the thinly controlled emotion, just under the surface. “Sara,” she whispered, “please talk to me.”

In the end it was probably the please that did it. The gentle little bit of civility in all of their barbs and snarky banter. It was the please that put the irreparable crack in Sara’s walls. Whether she realized it or not this was the moment where everything started to change. All she knew right now was that she was sad and tired and the one person she had craved comfort from was right here offering it.

The next thing that happened was probably the last thing Catherine had ever expected. Sara crumbled, literally, she fell to her knees shoulders shaking as sobs wracked her body. Her weight fell firmly against Catherine’s legs. In that moment the older woman did the only thing she could think to do. This was beyond her fear of reaching out, her own self preservation, there was only one choice. She sank to the floor and wrapped her arms around the sobbing brunette, rocking her slowly, mumbling soothing non-sense into her hair.

 

As Sara’s tears began to abate she suddenly realized where she was, in Catherine’s arms. How had she let this happen? She had been shielding herself with anger and defensiveness one minute and the next there was Catherine on the inside of the wall. Shit.

Catherine felt the shift in Sara’s body as she stopped crying. She felt the tension return, the guarded energy was back almost immediately. She knew she had to do something and fast to stay in there where she might actually find out some of what was haunting Sara, some of what she desperately needed to know. There was no way she could let Sara go through this alone. “Sara, I …” Catherine felt her voice caught in her throat. None of the methods she used for communicating with Sara were going to work here. That much was obvious considering most of her methods involved thinly veiled sarcasm or outright bitchiness.

Somehow she was suddenly in completely uncharted territory, territory she had been actively avoiding for years now. As terrifying as this place was she also knew there was no going back. Catherine had no idea where this would end up. The one thing she knew for sure was that now that there was hope, now that she saw a glimpse of the person Sara kept hidden from the world, she couldn’t give that up. “Sara, let me help…let me be here…for you.” Catherine’s arms loosened around her, her hand resting softly on Sara’s back. She somehow knew that if all of the physical contact was broken this spell that kept Sara from running would be too.

“I told Grissom,” Sara said almost too quietly to hear, “I told him my deep dark secret…at least some of it.”

“Tell me, Sara,” Catherine pleaded, her hand slowly rubbing Sara’s back.

Sara knew she would never have this chance again. There would never be the opportunity to tell this story to this woman and somehow that was more important than anything else right now. It was more important than her fear, her privacy, her insecurity…this was everything. Sara started telling her story. She started telling it the way she had told it to Grissom using all of the clinical, scientific words she had now and had not as a child. Phrases like cast-off, blood spatter…words she would now use with little emotional attachment describing the death, the murder, of her father like she would any other crime scene. That’s how she started to tell it, but she soon realized that wasn’t the story she was going to tell today.

“I don’t have very linear memories of my childhood. They come in bits and pieces like a shuffled deck of cards. I’m sure they once had order but they don’t anymore. I remember the sounds…so clearly. I figured everyone knew what a bone sounded like breaking…snapping under the pressure of someone’s hands…the sick pop of a dislocating joint. The sounds of screaming in anger and pleading for mercy where none could be found…I remember all of those sounds. He only hit her in the face once…he gave her a black eye and nearly broke her nose…he had really lost it that time lost it enough to leave marks where someone could see. He was usually smarter than that…more devious. A lot of the time he didn’t have to hit at all to inflict his damage words worked and they never left marks.”

Catherine watched Sara as she spoke, watched as her dark, fathomless eyes got further and further away. She had to remind herself to keep breathing as Sara talked. She had to keep breathing or the anger would take over. The anger that any child had to live like that…the anger she felt listening to any victim tell their tale…and the anger that was all for Sara, the sudden blinding realization that she was truly glad Sara’s father was already dead. Glad because it had saved Sara years more of abuse and glad because she didn’t have to hunt the bastard down herself. She continued breathing and slowly stroking Sara’s back as the words just kept flowing from her.

“I remember the day she killed him. I remember every word he said that day. He told me I was a worthless cunt just like my mother, just another hole for a man to fill and that I better understand that that is the most I would ever be. He was preparing me for being a woman you see…he just had to make sure I knew my place in the world. He made me repeat it all back to him, how worthless and useless I was. How all the brains in the world weren’t worth shit if they were wasted on a pathetic piece of shit girl like me. All the while I could see my mother over his shoulder her back turned to us making dinner…she would come into the room occasionally to bring my father another drink as soon as he had an empty glass. I think now she was trying to get him to pass out. I was so angry with her at the time because we both knew it was always worse when he was drunk. I kept watching her as his diatribe wore on and being so angry with her for her silence, for her fear, for her complacency. I didn’t get it at the time. I got it later. Later when I heard the struggle…the sounds again…and then I heard it…the silence…silence like I had never heard in my life. I pushed open the door to their room and I saw him lying there on the bed covered in so much blood and I saw her huddled in the corner blood coating her arms, her hair, crying. I backed out of the room and called the police. They asked me some questions…I didn’t know how to answer I was still afraid of him I knew he was dead but I was still afraid.”

Sara’s voice seemed to fade in her throat as she remembered the fear in that moment. She turned her brown eyes up to meet blue. She was almost surprised to see Catherine still there. She was even more surprised to see what was in her eyes. Where she had expected to see pity she saw tears and fire and anger and just a hint of something Sara never thought she would see, not in Catherine’s eyes at least, but it was enough of a hint to give her the strength to tell the last part of the story.

“I was so afraid to tell the police the things that went on in my house. I knew what I should tell them. I knew all the things that had happened that would save my mother, but I did nothing. All of the things I hated about my mother I did. I was silent, I was fearful, I was complacent. I let them drag her away and put her in jail and I said nothing. All I ever wanted was for her to stand up for one moment and protect me from that bastard. I expected her to do it. I needed it from her but I could not offer the same thing. When it came down too it I was the bigger coward. All of his words came back to me when the police would sit me down. I was worthless and my words were useless, nothing I had to say mattered anyway. In the end I let him win, I let him beat us both. It’s not as though I thought what she did was wrong, just the opposite, I was glad he was dead. For years after I could barely look in mirrors because of the parts of him that still lived in me, my height, my hair, my eyes. They all belonged to him first he gave them to me.” Sara’s voice was muffled as she placed her head in her hands a fresh wave of tears running silently down her face. 

Catherine didn’t know when it was that her own tears had started she only noticed them when she pulled Sara close again and felt the wetness of her own cheek as she pressed it to Sara’s hair. God where the hell was she supposed to go from here? She had expected to come over and have a knock down drag out with Sara about their power dynamic at work. She figured she’d find something out to explain Sara’s problems with authority. She never dreamed she would end up on the floor cradling a weeping, vulnerable woman being overwhelmed by the desire to offer…well…anything just to make it a little better.


	4. Chapter 4

**4.**

 

Neither woman was sure how much time had passed as they sat in a huddled ball in Sara’s living room and neither of them really had any clue what to do now.  Catherine always being the more verbal of the two wanted to say something…anything to keep Sara talking.  Catherine needed Sara to feel safe and protected right now needed her to let every bit of it out, but was at a loss as to where to go.  With few options at her disposal Catherine fell back on the simplest method she gently, quietly said the first coherent thing her mind grabbed onto.  “Give me the rest, Sara. What else is in there?”

 

Sara was actually surprised by the question. She had really expected this to be the point where Catherine tried to find ways to get as far away from this situation as was humanly possible.  She was so surprised in fact she found herself unable to keep from answering.  Sara didn’t have any way to stop.  Her defenses were gone, useless, lying around her in a shambles.  All she was left with was her voice, her words that seemed to pour out of her.

 

“I was in the system for months.  The only relative I had was an aunt I had never met, my mother’s sister, it took them forever to find her.  She hadn’t spoken to my mother in years.  She and her partner lived in San Francisco but my father hadn’t allowed my mother to contact her.  He didn’t want ‘that dyke’ anywhere near his family, you see.  My father demanded control – fed off of it.  Anything, anyone, who might give us the opportunity to feel alive…free…that just wasn’t an option.  He owned us.  He was the master of our world.  There was nothing without him.  We were nothing without him.  He taught me that lesson well enough to fail my mother.  In the end he failed too.  Someone, foolishly, thought I was something.  She stood up, she talked, she convinced them to let her take me in.  After everything the first real gentleness I ever received was from my aunt.  Her name is…was… Robin.  She gave me the first real home I’d ever had.  All the sounds there were different.  She gave me quiet, not silence, but quiet.  She gave me books.  She gave me a place to use the one thing he hadn’t given me.  The good part of me that didn’t look like him, or feel like him, the one thing he had always resented, my mind.  Robin and Annie, they gave me the one thing I never thought I’d have…a chance.  They were…” Sara was running out of words, she had said more in the last hour than she had in any time in recent memory, but she knew this wasn’t over.  Not yet.  That would be too simple.  She knew she shouldn’t ask.  She knew she didn’t really want the answer but she felt the fear and the question rising in her throat before she could stop them.  She had to ask.

 

“Catherine, why are you still here?”

 

“What?”  Catherine was taken aback by the question.  It came so out of the blue she wasn’t prepared with a quick, evasive answer.  At the same time she could not yet vocalize the real answer.  How was she supposed to tell Sara she’s here because about an hour back her heart finally refused to let her be anywhere else.

 

The longer she waited for an answer the more fearful Sara became.  It was entirely possible that she had just made the biggest mistake of her life.  Catherine had no reason to care about any of this. She had no reason to hear any of this as something other than excuses for her volatile behavior.  This was it.  This was the moment that she would pay for opening up.  She tensed up waiting for that crushing blow, the emotional grenade that would blow her world apart all over again. 

 

Instead something entirely different happened.  Something Sara never saw coming.  She was drawn out of her fearful reverie buy the softest hand on her cheek, slowly turning her face until her haunted dark eyes met the most amazing sight she had ever witnessed.  She saw Catherine’s beautiful blue eyes bright with unshed tears and full of compassion and tenderness and that other thing.  That thing again, the one thing Sara needed most but couldn’t let herself see.  That thing in Catherine’s eyes that should have been pity or disgust or rejection or any of the thousands of things Sara had come to expect and thought she was prepared to deal with.  But it wasn’t any of those things and Catherine wasn’t letting her look away from it.  The brightness of it was so intense Sara couldn’t take it, it was too much.

 

With a quick turn of her head and violent jerk of her body Sara got up from her spot on the floor searching for anywhere to run. “Christ Catherine, what the hell are you playing at here.”  Please Catherine just storm out.  Just take my fucked up story and leave.  Get out.  Tell me you can’t deal with this and take off never to speak to me again.  I can deal with that. I know what that is.  I can cope with that…I expect that, not this.  Please, I can’t deal with this.

 

“I’m not playing at anything Sara.”  Catherine said fighting to keep the tears out of her voice.  Wanting nothing more than to hold her again, to offer some sort of reassurance she stood up and took a tentative step toward a terrified Sara.

 

“Yes you are, you have to be.  This isn’t you.  This isn’t us.  This isn’t how this happens.  You don’t come here and take care of me.  You don’t offer me a shoulder to cry on, a safe place to fight my demons. You sure as hell don’t look at me with those eyes.  Not in real life.  You just don’t.”  Sara’s voice was taking on an edge of panic.  As she was speaking she crossed her arms around herself and started pacing back and forth desperation settling in all around her.

 

Catherine quickly realized things were heading to a very bad place very quickly.  She had to stop this now.  She immediately put herself in Sara’s path reaching out both hands to grip her arms just below the shoulders stopping the terrified woman in her tracks.  “Sara.  Stop.”  Catherine’s tone was firm and left little room for argument and her firmly planted, compact body directly in Sara’s path left the younger woman with no real escape route.  So Sara stopped.  She stood, arms still crossed staring at the floor refusing to look back into those eyes that held her salvation and her destruction.

 

“Sara, look at me. I’m right here.  I’m real and I’m not going anywhere.  _This_ is real.” Catherine’s tone grew more insistent. “Sara, look at me.”

 

Catherine felt her breath still in her chest.  She suddenly realized what was happening.  Her entire life as she knew it was hinging on Sara’s next choice.  If Sara looked up she would see everything, all of the things Catherine had been hiding from herself and from Sara.  As the pieces started to fall into place in Catherine’s thoughts she knew what she had been denying Sara, what she had been denying herself for so long.  She had a laundry list of reasons she kept Sara at a distance all of which were rational, logical, and ,ultimately, crap.  She was afraid.  She had been afraid of this.  Afraid of letting herself feel everything.  Letting herself open to the possibility of truly loving someone.  Loving them enough to stand down their demons with them.  Loving them enough to stand here and risk having every bit of your heart broken.  Catherine’s heart was in the balance.  If Sara looked into her eyes and saw all that was there everything would change.  For both of them.

 

Sara had no idea what to do.  This wasn’t supposed to be happening to her.  Nothing in her life had prepared her for this.  She had just bared the darkest corners of her soul.  The parts of herself she couldn’t even stand to look at.  She had done all of that and Catherine was still here.  This amazing, strong, powerful, beautiful woman was standing there.  She wasn’t running, she wasn’t full of pity and false sympathy, she was just here.  Sara had no context for this, this feeling.  She had seen it, she knew she had.  She had seen … love…in Catherine’s eyes.  Her most secret heart had dreamt of that look, that light.  She had dreamt of returning that light, had wished for the courage to risk herself.  But she knew, knew in every part of her rational brain that it would never happen.  Love didn’t happen for people like Sara.  Her heart and her soul were to scarred to be of value to anyone.  Who would want to fight through the mess that was Sara Sidle to get to them?  She kept them protected.  Locked down.  Yet here was this stubborn, pushy, incredible woman refusing to be turned away.

 

Sara had no choice but to look into Catherine’s eyes.  Everything else had been stripped away.  Her rationalizations, her excuses, her angry defenses all crumbled at her feet.  Her head slowly came up.  And there was Catherine waiting right where she said she’d be and there were those eyes offering everything Sara had dreamed of if she had the courage to take it.


	5. Chapter 5

**5.**

 

As she looked into Catherine’s eyes Sara knew her courage had not failed her.  For the first time in years, maybe ever, she hadn’t taken the cowards way out.  She had chosen the path her heart demanded rather than the path of least emotional resistance.  She was feeling so many things all at once.  God, she was terrified, terrified of how much she had let Catherine know, of what would happen to her heart if she gave it away, of what was going to happen five minutes from now.  She had never let anyone see so much of her.  If this failed Sara knew her heart would be locked away forever.

 

Catherine felt air flood back into her lungs as she watched Sara lift her eyes , the breath she had been unconsciously holding returned only to catch again as Sara’s deep brown eyes met and held with her baby blues.  Catherine immediately saw so many emotions playing out in Sara.  Things she had always kept so secret, so guarded were being laid out for Catherine and Catherine alone.  There was fear, and guilt, and sadness, and pain but there was also hope, and gratitude, and shining brightest above all else there was heart stopping, soul healing love.  Catherine was awestruck, and terrified, and happy beyond measure.  She almost wanted to laugh at the extraordinary and completely unexpected way this day was turning out.  If someone had told her this is where she would find herself she would have undoubtedly laughed in their face.

 

Sara continued to stare, unable to articulate anything she was feeling.  She had no context for feeling this way, she had no easy method of describing what it meant to have Catherine here in this moment.  This was more than she had ever dared dream about, this was her most secret wish suddenly answered.  She couldn’t say anything all she could do was drown in the endless sea of blue before her. 

 

This was too incredible to be real.  Sara needed some way to make this real, make sure Catherine was actually standing here.  She felt herself move slightly, a tentative reaching out, her right hand tenderly cupping Catherine’s cheek, her fingertips touching silky blond hair, her thumb lightly stroking the angle of the older woman’s beautiful face. Catherine immediately leaned into the touch eyes fluttering shut at the contact.

 

“No, please, don’t close your eyes,” Sara quietly pleaded unable to find her full voice.

 

Catherine’s eyes opened searching Sara’s asking what she needed.  Sara read the question there and wished she had some sort of clear answer.  Catherine had already given her so much of what she needed, but had you asked her a few hours ago she would have told you she didn’t need anything.  She sure as hell hadn’t needed this.  Amazing how quickly things can change. 

 

What did she need right now?  She really had no answers.  It was such a new question.  All the convenient answers had been stripped away leaving her raw and vulnerable and frighteningly clueless. 

 

Catherine could see Sara floundering, lost for where to go from here, she could relate.  Her right hand slid down Sara’s arm and into Sara’s left hand holding it reassuringly.  “Sara…” Catherine started to speak not really knowing what she was going to say, “thank you.”

 

Of all the things Sara thought she might hear from Catherine that was definitely low on the list.  She had just dumped most of her incredibly messed up past all over this woman, had completely broken down, only to be wrapped in comfort and acceptance and Catherine was thanking her. This made no sense.  Sara’s confusion was evident in her voice as she responded, “What for?”

 

A smile found it’s way to Catherine’s face for the first time since arriving at Sara’s apartment.  She wasn’t at all surprised Sara didn’t understand.  “For letting me in, letting me see you without the armor.”  Catherine knew Sara well enough to appreciate that for the amazing gift it was.

 

“I’m not really sure how all of this happened.” Sara felt dazed and tired.  She had no real way to relate to this new Catherine, the gentle, caring woman who was holding her hand and offering her so much.  She needed to sit down.  Keeping their fingers entwined Sara turned and walked them to her sofa where she sat tugging Catherine’s hand guiding her down next to her.

 

As they sat Catherine noticed how exhausted Sara looked.  They had both just had a tremendously emotional ride and neither of them wanted to travel further down it right now.  They both needed a rest.  There was still so much to talk about, so much to process.  What it all meant, where were they going, it was daunting to even think about much less tackle right now.

 

Seeing Sara’s exhaustion and feeling her own Catherine figured she had to ask an extremely dangerous question.  A question she wasn’t sure she wanted the answer to. “Sara…do you want me to leave you alone for awhile?”

 

“NO…I mean…I don’t think…I understand if you have to get home to Lindsey.”  I can be a big girl I swear.  Sara knew this was all too new for her to make any requests but she wasn’t ready to be alone with all of this; with her past, her present, and now possibly her future.  Her strength was rapidly failing her.

 

“I don’t have to be anywhere but here, Sara.  Lindsey is staying with a friend tonight.  I can stay as long as you need me.”  Relief washed over Catherine as she realized Sara still wanted her to stay to continue on this path…whatever this path was.

 

“I can’t talk anymore Catherine, but could you…” Shit, Sara had no idea to ask for what she wanted…not a fucking clue.  She was exhausted.  She just wanted to sleep, but how was she supposed to ask Catherine for that.  Neither of them had spoken of the feelings they had, neither of them had mentioned anything about their relationship, but Sara wanted more than anything to be held in Catherine’s arms and actually sleep.

 

Catherine could see Sara’s trepidation about whatever it was she was about to ask for.  She also knew without a doubt that whatever it was she would do it.  “Anything, Sara, anything,” Catherine said offering a reassuring squeeze to the hand she still held.

 

In the quietest, shyest voice Catherine had ever heard Sara use she asked, “I need to rest…sleep…can you just hold me while I sleep?”


	6. Chapter 6

**6.**

“Of course,” came the immediate answer.  Catherine knew how scared Sara was and wanted more than anything, in this moment, to give her comfort.  Catherine stood tugging Sara’s hand to draw her up as well. Once standing she made room for Sara to take the lead. As much as Sara had been the one to initiate this Catherine was not about to pressure it in any direction.  This had to be all Sara’s decision.  Sensing this opening Sara, still holding tight to Catherine’s hand, led them to her bedroom. 

 

Once there, Sara started to feel a nervousness settling in around her.  She knew this was what she wanted…needed…but the reality of it was starting to present itself.  She was about to lie down in her bed with Catherine.  The level of intimacy she was craving from the other woman was something Sara had no real familiarity with.  Sara had never needed anyone to make her safe the way she needed Catherine right now.  It really was making her question the wisdom of this whole situation.  “Are you sure this is…okay?”

 

Catherine could sense Sara’s need for reassurance far beyond the question she was asking.  Hell, she needed some of her own.  This wasn’t exactly how she had ever imagined spending time in Sara’s bed.  Not that she had ever thought about spending time in Sara’s bed…much.  The caretaker in her, the part that was Mama Catherine, wanted to make sure Sara had the comfort and safety she so desperately needed.  The rest of her, the parts that wanted so much more than that with Sara, wanted to know this side of her…wanted to hold her close, to know what it felt like.  In the end, she was here for Sara and she would do whatever was asked of her.  “I told you I would do anything you needed Sara.”

 

“I just…we’re here…and it’s you…and…” real articulate Sidle.  This was just such a far cry from where their relationship had been even hours before.  Sara could not wrap her brain around this.  She was exhausted and needed Catherine’s comfort, probably more than she’d ever needed anyone’s in her adult life, but she was having a very difficult time trusting this.  She had never asked anyone to take care of her before.  She led the world to believe she was entirely self-sufficient.  She just needed this so badly.  She needed this to be real and to still be here when she woke up.

 

“Sara, I know.  This is hardly where I expected to be tonight. But I’m here, here for you.”  Catherine paused momentarily deciding what to say next.  She opted for the practical figuring they were both about maxed out on the emotional.   “So why don’t you get into something more comfortable than those work clothes and lie down.  We can talk about all of this after a good rest.  Okay?”

 

Sara’s relief was evident on her face.  Catherine was here to comfort, no pressure, just offering whatever it was Sara needed while also letting her know this wasn’t over when they woke up.  This was just a break and a means to a fresh start.  It was…the possibility of everything.  “Okay.”

 

Catherine sat down on the edge of Sara’s bed and watched her as she moved across the room to get her night clothes.  It was the first time she had ever been able to watch Sara in her own environment.  Even after everything that had happened today she moved with such quiet strength, as if nothing could get in.  Catherine now knew that wasn’t true…she could get in, she had gotten in.  Now she just needed to figure out how to stay there. 

 

You really are a mystery Sara Sidle.  I know more about you right now than I ever expected to know and yet I still have no clue what to make of you.  You let me see so much of you today, so many of your emotions, including hints at the emotions you have for me.  Damn, I hope I’m enough for you.  For now I will give you my comfort and my shoulder and we’ll deal with the rest of it later. 

 

The idea of dealing with anything at all quickly allowed Catherine to realize she was equally as exhausted as Sara.

 

“Umm…if you want I can loan you something to sleep in.”  Sara’s words drew Catherine out of her thoughts.

 

“That would be great, thanks.”  Catherine reached out to take the soft t-shirt and shorts Sara was holding out for her.  As she took them she brushed Sara’s hand hoping to convey at least some of her gratitude at her thoughtfulness and her desire to take care of Sara.

 

As she took the clothes she realized she and the younger woman both needed to change.  This was definitely a moment to add to the long list of awkward moments in their relationship.  Catherine immediately tried to figure a quick way out of this to save them both from a situation neither was ready to tackle. “The…uh…bathroom is across the hall, right?” Catherine asked in hopes of letting Sara know she didn’t plan on watching her undress.

 

“What?  Oh, yeah just across.” Sara answered realizing Catherine had rather easily diffused what could have been a moment neither of them were in any shape to deal with properly.

 

“I’ll be right back.”  Catherine felt the need to let Sara know she wasn’t going to take this chance to run.  She was here for the duration, whatever that meant.  She waited for a nod from Sara and then headed for the bathroom to change.

 

Sara quickly slipped out of her clothes and into her favorite soft white t-shirt and flannels.  She then drew back the blankets and sat on the bed her head swimming with thoughts and emotions she had thought locked away for good until today.  She had exposed her worst scars to someone she never thought would give a damn.  As it turns out, Catherine seemed to give far more than a damn about Sara. 

 

Sara was stopped from any more thought by a soft knock and an opening door.  She felt her heart do a strange flutter in her chest as she looked up to see Catherine entering wearing sleep clothes about a size too big.  Sara’s clothes.  Her bare feet treading silently toward Sara on the carpet.  Sara didn’t know what to make of the emotions rising in her.  Her analytical mind wanted to evaluate and categorize them but she couldn’t seem to sort them out.  They were too big and she was too tired.  Instead she went on instinct.  She reached out from her spot on the edge of the bed and wrapped her arms around Catherine’s waist pulling her close, burying her face in the smaller woman’s stomach. 

 

As she had walked into the room Catherine was drawn toward Sara.  She looked so beautiful and vulnerable sitting there waiting, lost in her thoughts.   She was caught by surprise when she felt strong arms pull her into a needful embrace.  All she could do was return the gesture.  Her hands immediately began stroking smooth, dark hair letting Sara know the embrace was welcomed.

 

Slowly, Sara lifted her head from its safe haven to once again meet Catherine’s eyes.  Catherine’s hand glided from Sara’s hair to lightly holding her chin making sure Sara wouldn’t look away.  She could see all of Sara’s questions, all of her insecurities broadcast from those dark depths.  She could only hope the answers she felt in her heart were as easy for Sara to read.

 

Sara wished she could ask all the things in her head.  Wished she could express all the things in her heart. It was just too much for her to process right now.  She felt everything.  The safety of Catherine’s embrace.  The heat of her hand where it made contact with Sara’s skin.  The innumerable fears that this would all fall apart.  The totally unexpected hope that it wouldn’t.  The desire to have Catherine this close.  The desire to run as far and as fast as possible.  There were no words to say any of this, all she had was the look in Catherine’s eyes.  The look that said everything would be okay, that she would be there, that she wanted to be there.  That was all Sara had and, for now, it was enough.

 

“Lie down with me.” Sara stated not as a question or a command just a gentle direction for them to proceed in.  With those words Sara loosened her arms and laid back on the bed.  As she did so Catherine willingly followed her lying next to Sara as she adjusted the blankets over them.  Catherine then opened her arms to the other woman.  Sara gladly accepted the invitation resting her head on Catherine’s shoulder and her arm across her firm stomach. 

 

They were both shocked at how right this felt as if each of them had been looking for this place forever without realizing it.  Sara felt peace stealing over her bit by bit.  Her demons were not vanquished but for this precious moment they were silent.  “Thank you, Catherine, for this…thank you.”  This was the last thought Sara had as she drifted into much deserved slumber.

 

As she felt Sara’s breathing slow almost immediately Catherine knew she was asleep and a small smile crept onto her face.  “You are welcome sweet, sweet, Sara, more than you know.”  Catherine sealed her statement with a soft kiss to Sara’s forehead.  “Pleasant dreams, sweetheart.”  With that thought in her heart Catherine’s own breathing slowed to match Sara’s sleep embracing them both.


	7. Chapter 7

**7.**

 

Catherine awoke wondering what the warm weight was on her chest.  As her thoughts slowly sorted themselves out from sleep to wakefulness her memories of the prior evening brought the picture into focus.  She was lying in Sara’s bed.  She had promised to hold her while she slept.  And it would seem she had made good on her word.  Sara’s head was resting on Catherine’s chest, her arm wrapped tightly around her waist, her leg thrown across Catherine’s.  It would seem in her sleep Sara was very comfortable turning Catherine into a human mattress.  And it would seem Catherine didn’t mind.  The older woman’s arm was wrapped around Sara’s back holding her as close as possible.

 

Catherine was now fully awake, but had no desire to disturb the peacefully sleeping Sara.  It was strange really. Strange that this didn’t feel more wrong.  Just yesterday Catherine had been running at breakneck speed away from her own emotions.  She had been refusing to acknowledge her very real feelings, she had been unwilling to offer Sara even a little of the compassion she showed the other members of their team.  And now hours later here she was.  Damn, Catherine you don’t do anything by halves do you.

 

Catherine hoped Sara would continue sleeping for awhile.  She knew that was partly because Sara needed the rest, it was also because she didn’t know what she was going to do when she woke up.  It was quite easy to lie here enjoying the closeness and the comfort, but she knew talking about it wouldn’t be.  Sara had run the emotional gamut last night.  She had let Catherine into her psyche in a way that was so honest and so very unexpected and Catherine had no way of knowing if that would last with the sunrise.  Now Catherine was scared, terrified.  She had let Sara know the feelings she had been hiding for so long and she knew she couldn’t lie about how she felt.  She had to give up the self-preservation she’d grown so comfortable with over the years. 

 

She had a great deal of empathy for what it took for Sara to give everything she had given.  She just hoped she would be brave enough to do the same.  Catherine was very protective of her heart.  Eddie was the last person she gave it to, and that had been such an excellent idea.  She played around at relationships, she knew that.  She also knew that playing would not work with Sara.  She had to put herself out there, give everything she had.  Her heart was in this for all the chips.  Sara deserved the best she could give.  Hell, they both deserved it.  Catherine just hoped she knew how.

 

She also hoped Sara did too.  There was no question after last night that Sara had traveled a long dark road to get where she was.  The very thought of Catherine caring for her had sent her into a panic.  Now Catherine knew it was up to her to stay inside Sara’s walls.  She knew Sara would try to push her out.  It was inevitable.  She just had to hope that they were both up for the challenge.

 

Catherine’s thoughts were interrupted as she felt Sara stirring, her head lifting off the older woman’s chest.  Catherine watched as Sara’s thoughts moved through sleepy confusion to waking understanding.  As she saw realization dawn on Sara’s face she felt coolness on her body where Sara had been pressed so tightly against her.  Before Sara could pull away entirely Catherine caught her with the arm that was wrapped around her back.  “Not so fast, Sara.” Catherine firmly told her.  “I’m not letting you get away that quickly.”

 

Sara froze at Catherine’s words as if caught between returning to the comfort of the blonde’s embrace and fleeing as fast as she could.  As she had woken up she was stunned to find herself comfortably and peacefully sprawled across Catherine’s body.  It had taken her a moment to realize she wasn’t dreaming.  That realization had brought with it a boatload of insecurities and a fair share of panic.  “I wasn’t…I mean I’m…” Sara found herself completely unable to explain to Catherine her need to pull away, her need to try and regain some of her personal space.

 

Catherine could feel Sara pulling away could see the panic rising in her eyes.  This wasn’t starting out quite as she had hoped.  “Sara, look at me.  Don’t run…look at me.”  Catherine’s voice held in it a gentle firmness that was impossible to deny.  Sara’s frightened dark eyes met with Catherine’s lighter ones and she froze.  She was suddenly caught between what she saw there and the panicked voice in her head.  The light from those eyes was telling her heart to settle back in but the words in her brain were quite different.

 

Sara knew all the things Catherine had said to her the night before, all the promises she had made of being here in the morning.  However, her actual presence wasn’t as reassuring as Sara would have thought.  She felt trapped by the closeness, the comfort, the potential she felt all around them.  She had just woken from the longest most restful sleep she had had in years and yet she couldn’t accept what that meant.  This wasn’t supposed to happen for her.  Something, at any moment, was going to go horribly awry. 

 

Catherine could see the panic playing in Sara’s eyes could see them darting back and forth as if looking, searching, for something.  She had to get Sara to stop and focus on her and what she was saying.  “Sara.  Listen to me.  I’m really here.  I’m real.  Look at me, Sara.  See what I’m feeling.  See it in my eyes, Sara.” 

 

Sara’s voice came out thick weighted down with panic and fear.  “I see it Catherine, I see you.  That’s what frightens me.”  How could Sara make her understand that she knew how to deal with rejection.  If Catherine had run away at the first sign of  Sara’s messed up life she could deal with that.  She would have been able to go back to work at the end of her suspension as if nothing had happened.  The denial, the defenses, the world of pain Sara kept hidden all would have been precisely where they belonged. 

 

Sara knew how to guard her heart she had no idea how to open it up.  Every time she looked in Catherine’s eyes her heart demanded to be let out.  Sara wasn’t used to listening to those demands.  She lived in her head not her heart.  This wasn’t where she had planned on being.  She should have been able to keep Catherine at a safe distance.  This risk, this feeling none of it was supposed to be happening to her.  Yet, here she was caught in a war between her heart and her head.


	8. Chapter 8

**8.**

 

Catherine could see the fear, the anguish, in Sara at this admission.  She needed to help Sara understand that this wasn’t just a disaster waiting to happen.  That they had a real shot if they could get through this moment.  Sara had already given so much of herself and Catherine knew it.  She knew that Sara was caught between her worst demons and her best self.  She needed to let Sara know how much she understood.  “Sara, I know you are afraid.  I know you don’t think you deserve this…” Catherine’s well-intentioned speech was suddenly cut off.

 

“It’s not a matter of thinking Catherine.  I know this isn’t what happens to me.”  Sara stated this so succinctly, so matter of fact, Catherine was caught completely off guard.  Sara suddenly looked so resigned, so serious it nearly made Catherine cry.  She knew she had to get back in there and help Sara conquer the voice in her head that was telling her these things.

 

Catherine shifted her body to lie on her side so she could look directly at Sara.  So she could tell her, possibly, the most important thing she had ever said.  “What about what I deserve Sara, what about what I want.  You and I have had a tenuous relationship, at best.  We have kept each other on the periphery of our lives.  Never getting too close never taking any real risks with each other.  Why do you think I did that?  Do you think I kept you at arms length because I didn’t care about you?  Let me tell you, that was not the case.  I  was afraid Sara.  Afraid of you, of your fire, your passion.  Hell, I was afraid of the way I couldn’t help staring at your ass in those black jeans you wear.  I’m terrified of what this could mean.  I haven’t risked my heart in years Sara but when I saw you yesterday, the real you that you don’t let anyone see, I couldn’t stop it.  My heart is already in this Sara.  This is supposed to happen, but you have to let it.”

 

Sara was caught speechless by Catherine’s outpouring of emotion.  She hadn’t expected Catherine the fighter to show up, she really didn’t know what she had expected. She was trying to absorb what the speech meant.   Catherine couldn’t really be serious about this.  “I’m a risk not worth taking Catherine.  Didn’t what happened…what I said…last night mean anything?”  Sara shot this back almost daring Catherine to argue with her.  After Sara had shown Catherine so much of the baggage she carried she couldn’t want to do this.

 

Catherine was never one to turn down a dare.  Especially one that could get her that much closer to what she wanted.  “Last night meant a lot of things Sara.  It showed me your strength, your courage, your ability to survive, you showed me those things.  You showed me your heart.”  Catherine’s voice took on a tone of wonder and amazement at the last.  She was truly amazed at all she saw in Sara, the emotional complexity, the vulnerability, all of it was incredible.

 

Sara’s foundations were crumbling as Catherine refused to back down.  She couldn’t believe the way the older woman sounded when she talked about the weakness Sara felt she had shown last night.  “My heart is not worth the risk.  I’m messed up, you had to see that. You say you saw my strength and courage.  You didn’t.  I was a coward Catherine.  I still am.”

 

At this statement Catherine almost smiled, she knew she had her in, “If you are such a coward Sara why are you still here?”

 

With that Sara became almost petulant.  “Because you wouldn’t let me run.”

 

As Sara spoke the words Catherine let the arm she had around Sara’s back fall to the bed.  She didn’t know if this would work or if her whole plan would fail miserably but she did know that if they were going to get anywhere Sara had to make the choice.  Catherine began speaking in a quiet firm tone looking right in Sara’s eyes.  “There you go, Sara, I’m not holding you.  You are free to get up, throw me out, go make coffee and pretend none of this ever happened.  It’s up to you, Sara.  Are you really a coward?  Or is what you feel for me right now worth the risk?  What is your heart telling you?”  Catherine’s only hope in this moment was that Sara’s heart was louder than her head.

 

Sara was stunned.  She stared into Catherine’s eyes, caught again in their light.  She could see flashes in them with each sentence the other woman spoke.  She could see the seriousness.  She could also feel how cold she felt without Catherine’s arm around her.  She could feel the pull, the desire to have that embrace back.  She could hear all the voices in her head telling her what a terrible idea this was and how much safer she was alone.  She could hear the voice of her father explaining in great detail how girls like her didn’t deserve love.

 

She also knew for the first time, with dawning clarity, that it was a lie.  There was another voice.  A voice she had worked for years to ignore.  A voice that only led to trouble and complication and risk.  The voice in her that cried out for care and companionship and love. The one that had let her open up to Catherine.  The one that had led her here.  Her better voice, her brave voice, her foolish romantic voice.  That voice reminded her of what it had felt like to wake up in Catherine’s arms.  What it had felt like underneath the fear when she first noticed love in Catherine’s eyes.  Sara knew she was terrified of risking heartbreak, but she was realizing the pain of pushing Catherine away without taking the risk was worse…far worse.

 

Sara had no words to explain all of this to the woman lying next to her waiting for an answer.  She couldn’t articulate what it felt like to realize she was worth this.  She had no way to describe the knowledge that what they could have together was worth everything.  Sara found herself doing something she never thought she’d have the courage to do.  Before she could think about it, talk herself out of it, Sara found herself closing the gap between them.  Her hand was sinking into the soft hair at the base of Catherine’s neck pulling her close.  This was it.  This was everything.

 

Catherine’s breathing had nearly stopped.  She had watched emotion after emotion play across Sara’s face.  Had been hopeful when Sara hadn’t immediately pulled away.  She hadn’t, however, been expecting the look of determination that had found it’s way into Sara’s eyes.  She really hadn’t thought what came next would happen.  She felt Sara’s weight shift and come closer she felt Sara’s long fingers tangle in her hair and suddenly they were only a breath apart and Catherine felt her heart stop only to start again at a frantic pace.  Her own arms came up again to wrap around the younger woman.

 

As she felt Catherine’s embrace again Sara did the only thing left for either of them.  She closed the last inch of space between them.  Sara’s lips touched Catherine’s softly yet with purpose.  She felt the breath steal from her body at the contact.  She tasted Catherine’s sweetness with each brush of their lips.  She felt as much as heard the low moan that escaped from one of them, she wasn’t sure which.  She lightly brushed her tongue across the older woman’s lower lip asking to be invited further in, to let Catherine feel everything Sara was offering.

 

Catherine’s entire body felt the request for entrance, the light brushing of Sara’s tongue on her lip, and there was no hesitation.  Catherine opened her mouth and Sara wasted no time.  Her tongue darted out sliding along past Catherine’s lips.  Sara enveloped herself in Catherine’s warmth exploring and tasting, pouring all she felt into this connection.  She had no words but she had this.


	9. Chapter 9

**9.**

 

Catherine couldn’t believe this feeling.  Her body was melting, melting into Sara with the heat and intensity of it.  There was nothing in the world that felt like this.  Sara had partially rolled them over so much of her weight was resting on Catherine pressing their bodies tightly together as their lips and tongues explored each other.  Catherine’s hand had somehow found it’s way to the strip of exposed skin between Sara’s shirt and pants and was slowly caressing there.  Their kisses had taken on a slow exploratory element.  They each wanted to taste and know as much of the other as they could.

Catherine also knew, with her last coherent thought, that they couldn’t take this further.  Not quite yet.  She needed to hear Sara tell her she was ready for this.  And she knew Sara needed to say it, to make it true by speaking it.  With her last ounce of strength Catherine pulled back drawing in a much needed breath.  Her voice shaky and raw she uttered the only word her mind and mouth could form. “Sara.”

Sara was lost.  Lost in the soft sweetness of Catherine’s lips, in the searing heat she felt where Catherine’s hand touched her skin, in the emotional torrent that was rising in her body.  Her entire world was focused on this moment, there was nothing else for her.  She heard a strangled moan rise up from her own throat as she felt Catherine’s lips leave hers.  Blindly, she tried to lean back into the older woman until she was brought up short by the sound of her name.  At least, she was fairly certain it was her name.  She had never heard it uttered in such a way, so she couldn’t be sure.  Her name had never sounded like that, laced with heat and desire, shot through with need. 

The brunette drew back slightly, her breathing ragged, trying to bring Catherine’s face into focus again.  If Catherine had said her name Sara needed to know why, needed to know if she had made the right choice.  She needed to know if following her heart had been the bravest or the most foolish choice she could have made.  There was always the chance it was both.  Sara was having an astonishingly difficult time drawing her usually ordered thoughts together.  Her body was speaking very loudly.  Every inch of it that was pressed against Catherine was dismayed at this rude interruption, but all Sara’s heart knew was that Catherine needed to talk to her.

Looking up into Sara’s eyes Catherine could read so much there; confusion, desire, fear, love.  Catherine’s free hand reached up tucking dark locks behind the younger woman’s ear.  She was trying to gain some sort of control over her body.  Her breathing and heartbeat were faster than she could ever remember them and her voice had come out so full of emotion she could hardly recognize herself.  She had to collect herself enough to start this, but it was far more difficult than she expected.   “Does this mean you aren’t going to throw me out and go make coffee?”  Catherine asked the question with a smile in her voice belying its seriousness and her own need for an answer. 

Sara didn’t know how to find her voice to answer.  She had kissed Catherine because she didn’t have words to express everything she wanted to say.  Her vocabulary seemed so small in the face of this emotional onslaught and, she had to be honest, the reality of kissing Catherine sure as hell hadn’t made her feel any more articulate.  Knowing she didn’t have a way to say everything she wanted Sara opted for what she hoped was…well…god was she this bad already…cute.  “Yeah, I guess you can stay.”

Sara’s lighthearted answer both frustrated and amused Catherine.  It wasn’t the heartfelt emotional admission the older woman had been hoping for, but at the same time it was another little glimpse of the Sara she wanted so desperately to know.  The one that would let Catherine in and would make jokes and show the older woman all the parts she kept hidden from everyone else.  Catherine wanted to draw this Sara out into the open, here where it was safe.

“Well, that’s a relief, because I’d hate to have you kiss me like that and then expect me to leave here under my own power.”  Catherine continued the banter figuring it would eventually lead them back to the discussion they really needed to have.  She wasn’t going to force Sara to share her feelings before she was ready, that would lead to disaster.  Besides, she could wait for Sara for a very long time while safely pinned under her beautiful body.

Catherine’s comment made Sara do something she didn’t know she was entirely capable of…she blushed.  She felt the heat rising in her cheeks and could feel an utterly shocking wave of shyness wash over her.   This must be what it felt like, what she had always dismissed as chemical attraction and fantasy.  This is what it felt like to let someone into your heart.  Sara had never believed the florid descriptions of what it felt like to fall in love with someone.  And now suddenly here she was heart pounding, thoughts scattering, lips tingling, terrified and brave.  With that realization Sara felt her shyness recede to be replaced by something quite the opposite, a certain boldness.  Sara suddenly couldn’t help herself, after everything she had been through in the last 24 hours, she found herself smiling her full on, gap-toothed, gorgeous smile. 

Catherine didn’t think she had ever seen anything more beautiful than Sara’s smile.  It was a gift she would cherish.  She knew this was going to be one of those memories later in life, one of those moments you look back on with awe: the first time Sara’s smile was just for her.  Catherine found her thoughts being spoken aloud before she knew it, “Forget the kissing Sara, that smile is enough to make a girl weak in the knees.”

If it were possible Sara’s smile widened.  “I didn’t think it was possible to feel like this…I didn’t know this actually existed.”  With her smile some other things had come to Sara, she had found words and the courage to speak them.  She wasn’t sure where it was coming from but that didn’t surprise her.  At this point she was in such uncharted territory that she decided trusting her instincts and the voice of her heart was just about all she had to go on. 

Sara paused for a moment and saw Catherine about to take that opportunity to say something.  Very quickly Sara decided it was her turn.  Sara moved her fingers to lightly cover Catherine’s lips.  “No Catherine, you’ve told me where your heart is.  Now it’s my turn.”

Catherine’s eyes widened just a bit at Sara’s words.  She realized a part of her had been holding its breath since they had woken up.  She had put her heart out there, wise decision or not, and until this moment hadn’t really believed it would be accepted.  She had walked in here last night and somehow both of their lives were now completely different because of that choice.  With the soft touch of Sara’s fingers to her lips all Catherine could do was wait for Sara’s words.

Sara decided if she had stopped Catherine from speaking she had little choice now but to start. She had no idea what she was going to say really, she just knew she had to tell Catherine she could take the risk, that this feeling…that they… were worth it.  “I can’t really believe this is happening…I’ve never given myself the chance to feel this.  I had never let anyone close enough.  To be honest, no one had ever really tried, I made it too difficult to bother.  You were right last night when you said I make things difficult.  I do…I really do.  I always knew it would hurt too much, risk too much to let someone in.  But I realized something…not taking this chance right now, with you…would hurt so much worse.”  Sara could feel her voice catch at the idea of turning her back on this, could feel her heart clench at the prospect of not being this close to Catherine again.  It just wasn’t an option anymore. 

She had no idea how to maintain this type of relationship, she had no blueprint in herself for open and honest communication.  But she knew if she didn’t take the leap she would regret it for the rest of her life.  This was her chance, not only to fulfill the aching need Catherine’s kisses had left in her body,  but to ease the pain she had lived with in her heart for so long.  “I can take this risk Catherine, I have too.  I want this…with you…more than I’ve ever wanted anything.  Will you help me?”

Catherine felt Sara’s fingertips glide away from her lips as she asked the question.  She knew what Sara was asking, she knew this wasn’t going to be an easy path for either of them.  They were strong women who both carried a lot of baggage and they would need each other to make this work.  Catherine knew this wasn’t a decision to take lightly.  Sara wasn’t one of her boy toys.  She wasn’t someone Catherine wanted to use to satisfy an itch after a rough case.  She was someone Catherine wanted all the possibility of the future with. 

“We’ll help each other Sara.”  As Catherine spoke the words she reached up to stroke Sara’s face.  She needed to seal that simple sentence with all the complexities words couldn’t express.  She lifted her head from the pillow closing the gap between them quickly and with purpose.  She knew Sara wanted this…wanted her…and that made all the difference.

Sara’s eyes slid shut at the feeling of Catherine’s lips against hers.  It was the softest and yet most intense touch she had ever known.  The sweet taste of Catherine, the feel of her warm tongue as it begged entrance into Sara’s mouth, the completeness Sara felt as she opened to the other woman.  It was so much to process.  Sara quickly decided to let go of the last analytical voice that tried to define what she was feeling and just gave herself over to feeling it.  

Catherine knew the moment Sara let herself go into the pure raw emotion of the moment.  Her body felt it.  Her heart felt it.  In that moment Catherine knew there was no more holding back for either of them.  Her hand that had been playing at the warm skin of Sara’s lower back became adventurous exploring soft skin over firm muscle, her nails lightly dragging up Sara’s spine.

Sara arched into Catherine’s touch shivers breaking out over her skin at the light teasing.  Her own hand that had been resting on the blonde’s hip began to explore sliding up her trim waist…over her ribs…allowing her thumb to gently brush the underside of Catherine’s breast.  She felt her soon to be lover’s sharp intake of breath at the contact and pulled her mouth away to look into those amazing blue eyes.

There was no going back.  They both needed this, needed to show each other everything.  To be bare and vulnerable.  To cherish and worship.  They needed contact…they needed more.  Sara looked into Catherine’s eyes as she rolled away making just enough room to yank her t-shirt over her head and toss it aside.  Her hands reached out to help Catherine with hers, but she was too slow the shirt had already disappeared. 


	10. Chapter 10

10.

Sara was caught breathless by the vision before her. She had always thought Catherine was beautiful. It wasn’t really a matter open for much debate. But seeing her here…like this…Sara was awestruck. Her hands continued to reach out fingers brushing Catherine’s bare stomach, tracing her collarbones, her shoulders, barely touching her breasts. She was overwhelmed.

Catherine was being driven half crazy by Sara’s light touch. She was lost in the grazing of Sara’s nails over her skin and amazed by how stunning Sara looked in this moment. She barely heard Sara as she spoke. “God, you are so beautiful.”

“I think that’s my line, sweetheart.” Catherine uttered the endearment as if she had said it a million times. Somewhere in her heart she probably had. She reached out to Sara to draw her closer. As she pulled Sara down to her she was aware of every inch of bare skin that met with bare skin. As their breasts touched Catherine drew Sara into another kiss. This one was different, it was full of passion and desire and need. It told Sara everything she needed to know in that moment.

As they continued kissing Sara’s touch became firm, less teasing, she cupped Catherine’s breasts her thumbs stroking soft nipples to firm peaks. As she did so she caught Catherine’s moan in her mouth, felt the vibration as Catherine pressed into Sara’s hands demanding more. Sara took the hint. She drew her mouth reluctantly away from Catherine’s lips and began kissing a trail down her throat stopping to nip at Catherine’s pounding pulse point and to kiss away the sting. She slowly trailed her way downward until she was a breath away from her goal. Sara’s mouth was hovering above Catherine’s nipple warm breath teasing her, tongue sneaking out to taste her skin.

Catherine was on fire. The heat from Sara’s touch was incredible and the warmth of her breath cooling the wetness left by her tongue was nearly more than the older woman could take. She needed the feel of Sara’s mouth on her, her entire body was aching for that touch. Just as she thought she couldn’t take it any more Sara’s lips enveloped the pink tip sucking it into her mouth. The sensation of Sara sucking on her nipple seemed to spread throughout Catherine’s body, it seemed in perfect time with the low throbbing in her center.

Sara could have spent days exactly where she was in that moment. The feel of Catherine’s nipple in her mouth, the other woman’s hand tangled in her hair holding her as close as possible, hands exploring new curves as lips devoured. She could have stayed here forever, except there was so much left to explore, so much to know. Sara had already learned how to make Catherine moan with light teasing touches but she wanted to hear, and taste, and know everything…every part. She wanted everything Catherine could give. Sara was alternating between Catherine’s nipples sucking them to rock hard peaks while her hands stroked Catherine’s sides, her hips, her thighs. But there was one last thing between her and everything she wanted. Her hand found the drawstring of the shorts she’d loaned Catherine to sleep in and tugged the string loosening them. She sat up gripping the waistband her finger sliding inside to hook around the thin strip of lace underneath and quickly tugged both garments off.

Catherine felt a brief moment of cold. All of the places their bodies had been touching were chilled by the breath of air between them. She suddenly realized Sara had made quick work of what had remained of her clothing. She also realized Sara had not gotten rid of her own. Catherine needed to feel all of Sara she needed to know what it would feel like to be pressed up against every inch of the taller woman. As Sara moved to return to her previous position Catherine stopped her tugging the brunette’s pants down off of her hips until Sara could kick them off the rest of the way. They were both fully exposed now. No barriers, nothing between them but desire and need and love.

Sara quickly lowered herself back over Catherine’s body her hand stroking the other woman’s now bare thigh. She began sliding lower, her body over Catherine’s, her lips leaving burning trails over flesh. As she began kissing her way down Catherine’s stomach she could feel the heat radiating from Catherine’s center. She wanted to extend this out as long as possible but she was being drawn in. She needed to give this to Catherine. She needed to touch her, to communicate everything this meant to her. Slowly her hands moved to Catherine’s thighs gently guiding them apart to make room for her to settle between them.

Catherine wanted Sara…needed her, every bit of her. She wanted to give herself to this woman, wanted to let her have everything. And as she felt Sara moving closer to the source of her heat, felt her make room to lie between her legs, she knew she was going to give Sara everything. There was no holding back. Catherine reached out a hand to lift Sara’s chin, to look into her eyes. As she found herself drowning in those dark depths she willingly lost herself in Sara. Her voice was rough and low, heavy with building passion and love. “Please, Sara…please.”

Sara felt Catherine’s voice and her plea in the very core of her being. Her own passion doubled at the very sound of the older woman’s voice. She also knew she would fulfill all she heard in that plea. She would give all she had…and take all Catherine was offering. She continued to look into Catherine’s eyes as she lowered herself between the blonde’s firm thighs. Her long fingers reached out opening the other woman to her. She could smell the sweet scent of Catherine’s arousal, could almost taste it on her tongue. She finally broke eye contact as Catherine’s hips rocked upward at her touch demanding her attention.

Catherine could see Sara’s desire in her eyes, knew her need, her love, would be answered as she watched the beautiful brunette lower herself to rest between her legs. She nearly lost herself as she felt supple fingers part her lips opening her for Sara. She marveled at the sensation, at the look of awe in Sara’s eyes, but she couldn’t wait…not any more. She communicated this with a roll of her hips requesting Sara’s immediate attention. 

Sara lowered herself the rest of the way, a deep moan escaping from her at the first taste of Catherine’s sweet essence. Her tongue played over the folds of Catherine’s lips darting in and out of her opening tasting and discovering new textures. All the while Sara was avoiding the spot she knew Catherine wanted her most. This was too amazing to rush. Sara was in no hurry. She wasn’t just doing this for the sexual need, she was giving Catherine her heart and that took time. Sara was focused on how Catherine responded to each new spot she touched, was listening to each new moan and cry that escaped Catherine’s mouth.

Catherine had never felt from a lover what she was feeling from Sara at this moment. She had had some amazing sex with both men and women. But this, this was something she had truly never thought possible. She felt as though she was Sara’s entire universe. There was nothing else before or after this moment. Catherine felt as though she was being loved and worshipped. Sara was giving Catherine an all new definition of making love. She was also sending Catherine places she didn’t know existed. Each exploring stroke of Sara’s tongue sent waves of desire through Catherine. She didn’t know how much longer she could stand it…she didn’t know how much higher she could go.

Sara could tell Catherine was getting close. Her breathing was fast and ragged, her moans were louder, she could feel the tension mounting as she teased her way around Catherine’s center. Sara knew it couldn’t last forever. If the tension in her own body was becoming almost too much to bear and Catherine hadn’t even touched her yet she could only imagine what Catherine was feeling. Sara knew she had brought Catherine high enough, it was time to bring her lover home. With that Sara’s tongue finally brushed over Catherine’s clit causing the older woman to cry out at the sensation. As she began stroking Catherine in earnest her right hand slid from its resting place on Catherine’s hip to waiting just outside her opening. Sara dipped just the tips of two of her long fingers into Catherine and felt hips lift begging for more. She was more than happy to oblige, sliding them into Catherine’s welcoming wet smoothness. Her tongue kept a steady pace as her fingers began to slowly slide in and out of Catherine. Sara kept the pace of her fingers slow, she wanted Catherine to feel every movement as she was filled.

Catherine’s universe had narrowed to the sensations Sara was causing. She felt pleasure mounting in her body as Sara’s amazing tongue stroked warm wetness over her clit and those fingers were building a slow undeniable tension inside her the likes of which she had never felt before. She was completely aware of every inch as Sara penetrated her in one long slow motion and equally aware of the feeling of loss as those fingers pulled back. She had no words to describe the feelings that were building in her, all of her expressions were coming out in guttural deep sounds. She felt herself swelling around Sara’s fingers gripping them tighter with each stroke, each motion building on the next until she couldn’t stop it, she couldn’t hold back. She felt the sweet pain of desire spiraling out around her as she called out Sara’s name, the sound of her own voice echoing in her ears.

Sara felt Catherine’s body grip her fingers holding them still as she cried out her release. Sara had never heard her name sound better than it did in that moment. She continued to bathe Catherine in soft licks and kisses until the last spasm had passed and she could withdraw her fingers. As she did she shifted her body back up to lay on top of Catherine holding her as close as possible as she felt the older woman’s breathing struggle to return to normal. Once she had Catherine wrapped in her arms she bent her head and kissed her slowly and thoroughly.

To Catherine there was no more erotic thing than kissing Sara with her taste still in the younger woman’s mouth. She couldn’t stop kissing her, everything Catherine felt was pouring out of her in her kisses. She had never had anyone make love to her as Sara just had, as though she was the only thing in the world that mattered and she needed to return the favor. Catherine needed Sara to feel what Catherine had to give her. As they kissed Catherine’s hand slowly stroked its way down Sara’s chest cupping her breasts stroking her nipples learning each dip and curve of flesh as her tongue memorized Sara’s mouth and lips.

Sara felt the focus shift. She had been so involved in Catherine’s pleasure she hadn’t been paying much attention to her own. That was all changing…fast. As Catherine continued to kiss her each touch of lips shot through her body to settle into the wet heat at her center. Each touch of Catherine’s nimble fingers on her breasts sent shockwaves through her highly sensitized body. She hadn’t realized how close to the edge she was until this moment.

Catherine shifted her weight maneuvering herself and Sara until they were lying side by side facing each other. As they shifted Catherine pulled back to look at the younger woman. With the parting of their lips Sara’s eyes opened to be greeted by Catherine’s blue eyes darkened with passion and love and holding an intensity she had never seen before. As she spoke Catherine’s voice held the same emotion as her eyes. “Look into my eyes Sara. I want to see your responses when I touch you. I want you to see me when I give myself to you.”

Sara was amazed by the feeling this idea invoked. She had never felt the desire to look into the eyes of a lover, not in this most vulnerable moment, but there was no denying that’s exactly what she wanted right now. She would give everything to Catherine and she knew it would all be accepted. Sara would not turn away from this. Sara looked deeply into Catherine’s eyes and uttered the truest words she had ever spoken, “I’m yours.”

Catherine’s breathing nearly stopped at Sara’s words. She hadn’t known for sure how Sara would respond to her request, that declaration hadn’t been what she had thought, it was what she had dreamed. She stared into Sara’s eyes as her hand traveled down the younger woman’s tight stomach to play at the edge of her dark curls. Lying down made up for much of the difference in their height and Catherine maneuvered herself to reach her goal and still share this intimate gaze. She watched Sara’s eyes as her fingers dipped lower, teasing into warm sweet wetness. She watched as pupils dilated darkening brown eyes to almost black. She watched as Sara’s breathing went ragged with each stroke over her clit. Catherine watched for each nuanced response, each indication of pleasure that came into Sara’s eyes. She listened for each moan, each new sound that escaped Sara’s lips.

Sara’s eyes wanted to close from the sheer pleasure she was receiving from Catherine’s fingers but she couldn’t do it. The look of love and desire mixing in Catherine’s eyes as she touched Sara was something the younger woman didn’t want to miss a moment of. Her body was at Catherine’s mercy. Each stroke of the blonde’s fingers brought her new waves of pleasure and to see those waves reflected back in their shared gaze pushed Sara even higher.

Catherine was completely focused on Sara. She watched as Sara’s desire grew with each touch, each movement. She lost herself in those dark eyes and the feeling of Sara’s warmth enveloping her fingers. She slid two digits into Sara and felt moans escape from both of them at the contact. Catherine watched as she filled Sara, she watched the look in her eyes as she drew her fingers back out. Her arm flexed as she maintained one smooth motion in and out of Sara. She kept pace with the younger woman keeping in time with her hips as they rocked against Catherine’s hand. She felt, with wonder, Sara opening too her. Those obsidian eyes were drawing Catherine’s heart in just as Sara’s body was drawing in more of her hand. 

She never broke eye contact. Catherine needed Sara to know she was the one giving her pleasure, she was the one loving her. She felt Sara grow wetter and grip her fingers tighter with each stroke. She was lost in the rhythm of their bodies together, in the tension in her arm as she maintained the pace Sara had set, in the speed of their breathing, in the connection that flowed between them. Everything Catherine had in her she was giving to Sara, the emotion poured from her, from her deep blue eyes, from the tips of her straining fingers. 

Sara’s eyes were locked with Catherine’s, she was captured in the intensity of that gaze. She found herself nearly panting now as Catherine’s fingers drew more and more pleasure out of her. Her connection with Catherine was amazing. She saw the desire, the love reflected in Catherine’s eyes each time the older woman’s fingers entered her, each stroke of her thumb on Sara’s clit brought the emotions full circle spiraling faster and faster. She felt herself climbing, felt her whole body expanding to encompass this feeling, until finally it became more than her body could contain. She exploded. Her body clamped down around Catherine’s fingers, a deep guttural moan was drawn out of her lips, her hands gripped Catherine’s shoulders nearly hard enough to leave marks, her body convulsed, pleasure enveloping her entire being.

Catherine held Sara in that moment for what felt like an eternity her fingers drawing every last gasp of pleasure from Sara. Her eyes never left those fathomless orbs even as Sara cried out her release. Catherine could feel the pleasure that ran through Sara almost as if it was flowing through her own body. She could see herself reflected in Sara’s eyes. She could feel the love and passion flowing between them as she pulled Sara into her embrace. She could feel the pounding of their hearts and their ragged breathing. She knew they were together.

Sara held tight to Catherine as she regained some form of conscious thought. She had never in her life experienced this closeness. She had never allowed herself to be vulnerable, not since she was very little. She had learned quickly there was no advantage in vulnerability. At one request from Catherine she had opened herself up and laid herself bare. She hadn’t even questioned it. This connection she felt was so overwhelming. She had often wondered if she let go of the fear what would be there to take its place. It seemed she was on the road to finding out.


	11. Chapter 11

**11.**

This closeness was more than Catherine had ever expected. She was totally aware of every inch of skin that touched Sara's. Catherine wasn't sure how they had gotten to this place but she was damn happy they had. It seemed so strange to her now, all the time spent running from Sara, all the road blocks she had thrown up between them only to find herself here anyway. Now that she was here she wasn't going to spend any more energy running. This was exactly where she was supposed to be. Her arms were wrapped tightly around the younger woman's slender frame her lips pressed a soft kiss on Sara's forehead which caused the brunette to lift her gaze.

Sara slowly lifted her head from the comfortable spot she had found on Catherine's shoulder. As she met Catherine's eyes Sara was greeted with a site she would cherish forever. Catherine was smiling at her, more than just the upturned lips but a smile that came from deep within, from her heart. Sara was in awe. She could read so much in a look from Catherine, more than she had ever let herself see in anyone. She had never been very good at this. She was an expert, a genius really, with science and figuring out the puzzle. People had always mystified Sara; they were too unpredictable, too variable, too willing to hurt each other.

Sara had always embraced her fear. It kept her safe from too much emotional risk, from letting anyone hurt her. Now here she was, her fear lying by the roadside about two exits back, with no idea what was next. She had no context for this. She wanted to be held, to be close, to breathe in the scent that was uniquely Catherine. Sara wanted so much, more than she had ever thought possible. And right here safe in Catherine's embrace, warm and sweetly exhausted she knew she could have it. What she didn't know was how she could have it a few hours from now when she had to stand on her own. She wasn't the same person she had been a few hours before, but was she different enough to do this?

Catherine knew that what they had just shared had changed the dynamic between them, had brought them closer, closer than either of them had expected. She could also see so many questions in Sara, so much they needed to talk about. Catherine felt her voice slip out quietly, so softly it was as though she thought any noise would throw off the delicate balance they rested in. "What are you thinking, sweetheart?" There was that name again, Catherine wasn't sure how it kept slipping out so easily but she had no power or real desire to stop it. Right now she had more complicated things to think about; the simple easy things should really just be accepted.

What was she thinking? That was a damn broad question. There were the simple answers, the things on the surface, she was thinking about how amazing she felt, how she fit so well curled around Catherine's body. She was thinking that she had just had the most amazing orgasm. She was thinking about how it felt to make love with Catherine. She was thinking she had never let anyone as close as Catherine was right now. She was thinking about how shockingly good it felt to be this close. She was thinking about how much she wanted this to last, not just the physical naked comfort, but the connection. She was thinking about her feelings for Catherine. She was thinking about what this meant at work and what this meant at home. She was thinking about why Catherine had stayed. She was thinking about when Catherine might leave. She was thinking about what Catherine would tell Lindsey about them. She was thinking how surprising it was that she really cared what an eleven year old would think about her tenuous new relationship. For the first time Sara could remember she was thinking about the future, not just the next case or the next hour or the next beer, the actual future and what it may bring.

The problem was all of those thoughts were making it difficult for Sara to know where to start. So she decided to start with the most honest answer she could come up with, "I'm thinking about you." The answer seemed simplistic even to Sara's ears but she was a little impressed with herself that she had managed honesty over evasiveness, this was all about baby steps right. She knew that she wanted to open up to Catherine, to truly be honest with her. But, she would be lying to herself if she thought that would be as easy as it sounded. It was the right thing, but it sure as hell wasn't the easy thing.

Catherine was amazingly touched by Sara's answer. She wasn't sure she had any real notion of how, or whether, Sara would answer her but she was continually surprised by the depth Sara could let her see in the smallest phrase. She could tell how much it took for Sara to open up…she really couldn't blame her…not after everything she had found out. Her brain was still trying to put all of the information Sara had given her in some kind of order. There was a lot for them to get through, but now, at least, Catherine knew they would work through it together. She knew this feeling she had wasn't fleeting. The way her body felt right now was not just a feeling of sexual satisfaction, she felt cherished in a way she never had before. She felt Sara's words not just as a simple answer but as a truth of her heart. As her hand lightly traced Sara's face she asked with a slight smile, "About me, huh, just what about me?"

"So many things…I don't really know where to start." Sara couldn't sort out where to begin. She wanted to pour out everything she felt but it felt as if there was so much it all got stuck just behind her tongue. There was still an element of the surreal involved in this whole situation. Yesterday she was yelling at Catherine in the hallway at work, berating her in public and now here she was…here they were. For all of the perfection in it…and it did feel like perfection; Sara couldn't quite wrap her brain around all of this. "I can't quite believe where I am right now. I can't quite believe you stayed." As she spoke the words she reached to again touch Catherine's face as if reassuring herself that this all wasn't just a dream.

The light touch of Sara's fingertips on Catherine's face brought a shuddering breath from Catherine. She understood what Sara meant. Their relationship had taken an unexpected turn, to say the least. Now that she was here though, Catherine couldn't imagine being anywhere else. She had spent much of her life searching for this feeling she had right now. "Of course I stayed Sara. Once you asked it really wasn't a question anymore." Catherine wanted Sara to understand that she would do anything for her. Her heart had made its decision.

"That's just a bit astonishing to me Cath." Sara had the briefest pause in her speech as she realized she let the shortened version of the other woman's name slip out. "I don't exactly come from a place where I expect that." She hoped Catherine understood why she had this nagging little doubt that haunted even her happiest thoughts. She hoped Catherine had really heard all the things she had spent the last hours communicating.

"I know, Sara. I know you don't have a lot to base this on. Hell, I know I don't have a lot to base this on. But…" Catherine took a breath trying to think of the best way to express her next thought. "I…I want you to be able to trust me when I tell you this Sara. Trust me when I tell you I'm not leaving. I don't take this lightly, I didn't just give myself to you to turn around and take that away. I'm here…right here." Catherine could feel the slightest bit of urgency creeping into her voice as she tried to explain how she felt. She wanted, needed, Sara to understand this.

Sara could sense Catherine's concern in her tone and in the way she was searching Sara's eyes for any indication of understanding. She even thought she had a fairly good idea of why Catherine needed that understanding so badly. Sara had given her no reason to take it on faith that she wasn't going to bolt at the first sign of trouble. Sara knew that even with what they had just shared she was coming into this with enough baggage to scare almost anyone off.

"I know where you are Catherine. I can feel your presence in ways I didn't think existed. I know I'm asking a lot of you just in asking you to be here at all. What you have given me…what you've given of yourself…is more than I ever thought I'd have." Sara felt her words starting to fail her. In a few short hours Catherine had given her more than she had thought possible. She wanted so badly to be worthy of all of it, so badly to be able to return it all a thousand times over she just didn't know if she knew how.


	12. Chapter 12

**12.**

"Sara," Catherine's voice had taken on a warm comforting tone, "nothing you have asked is more than I can give, and none of it is more than you deserve. I'll say it again and again if that's what it takes; whatever you need I'm here for you. Whatever you want." Catherine hoped she knew what she was saying. She knew what she wanted from Sara, but she had no idea what Sara really wanted from her. More than their previous pseudo-friendship, that much was obvious, but beyond that Catherine was a little clueless. Sara liked her solitude, enjoyed her own life. Catherine didn't know where she and a pre-teen ball of fire really fit into the ordered existence that Sara lived in.

Sara knew Catherine meant every word she said, knew it was true. At the same time she didn't know how to respond to it. They were barely friends and now they were lovers. If Sara stopped and listened to her heart she had no real question about what it was she wanted. She wanted things she had never even considered. She wanted Sunday crossword puzzles and Chinese take-out in bed. She wanted dates you need to dress up for. She wanted phone calls just to hear her voice. She wanted romance and comfort. She wanted everything.

This alone was scary enough. But, Sara started to get truly frightened when she wondered what it was Catherine really wanted. It was obvious from what they had shared that she wanted more than friendship, more than they had had before. That seemed simple enough, even to Sara, but Catherine already had a life. She had family; she had a daughter, hell she did things other than sitting at home on days off listening to the police scanner. Sara didn't know how she fit in with all that. She couldn't assume there was a regular place for her, that Catherine would want her as a part of her daily life. Catherine had offered comfort and care and passion and compassion but that did not mean she was really prepared to take all of this on.

Catherine was watching Sara as the silence stretched between them watching her overactive brain carry her off somewhere alone. She could see the distance growing in Sara's eyes the longer she was thinking. Catherine quickly decided she was going to bring her back right here where it was warm and safe and they could figure this out together. Sara left to her own devices couldn't be a very good idea right now. "Sara, sweetie, where did you go?"

Sara was snapped back out of her reverie at the sound of Catherine's voice. She had no idea what the older woman had said but she figured she had better at least try and pay attention to a voice outside of her own head. "What, I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"Losing your interest already? Let's see if I can get your attention." With those words Catherine wrapped her arms around Sara and rolled onto her back pulling the taller woman full on top of her. In this position Catherine brought their bodies back into contact leaving Sara no choice but to give the beautiful woman beneath her every bit of her attention. "Think you might hear what I'm saying now?" Catherine said with a knowing smirk on her face relaying her need for Sara's attention with humor that was uniquely Catherine.

As her arms came to rest on either side of Catherine's head and her body met full on with Catherine's Sara wasn't honestly sure she would be able to pay attention to anything other than the sensation of skin on skin but she thought she was a smart girl she'd figure something out. "I don't know if your body pressed against me is a help or a hindrance to my attention to detail but I'll give it my best shot," Sara said with a cheeky grin on her face.

As she looked down into beautiful baby blues Sara felt just a bit like she was going crazy. She had such an ordered existence. There were no hiccups in Sara's life…okay maybe the occasional emotional breakdown over a case, or a DUI, or nightmares, or insomnia, or general loneliness…but nothing she wasn't used to. She kept things she was accustomed to close, guarding her. Things that stirred her up or reached inside or made her feel, she would ignore until they got bored and went away. Only right now she was stirred, she was open, she was vulnerable, she was all the things she said she would never be. And the crazy part was she liked being here. More than liked it…she didn't want to be anywhere else. All of her running, all of her pushing, all of her panic and here she was anyway. Yep, she was definitely nuts.

So nuts in fact she didn't even think before asking the one question that could end this giddiness before it could even really get started. She just heard the words slipping out of her mouth unheeded by all of the rational parts of her that would normally stop her from asking the dangerous questions. "You keep telling me you're here for me, for whatever I want. But tell me Cath…what is it you want?"

Of the long list of unexpected things that Sara had done or said in the last 24 hours Catherine would have to say this topped it. Catherine had really figured she would be the one that got to ask Sara that question first. She had been prepared to lead their conversation down a path to clearing up what they both wanted. With one simple or, perhaps, incredibly complicated question Sara had just taken complete control. Catherine had not anticipated this turn of events. Here she was, pinned under every inch of Sara's lanky frame, nowhere to run, no room for evasive answers. This really wasn't going quite as she had planned.

Finding herself in this position made a few of things very clear to Catherine. First, she wasn't going to get to lead them down this path. As much as Sara's history put her in a position to fear this kind of closeness she was too strong a woman to just be taken care of. Second, up till this point Catherine had a certain notion of what she needed to be in this situation. She thought she was supposed to be the leader the one who instigated the communication, who lured Sara out of her shell. Apparently that was a false assumption. Finally, Catherine realized she was really, really happy to figure this out.

"What do I want? Now that is quite the question Sara," Catherine's voice had taken on a teasing tone that covered up a bit of the seriousness in her answer, "would it be too simplistic to say, you?"

Sara felt her mouth go dry and her body heat up at Catherine's tone and her implication. Her own voice was a bit deeper than normal when she answered, "That depends, do you want the simple me. . . or the complicated one?"

Catherine briefly contemplated her answer to that question. She decided now was the time to lay it out there. Honesty was Catherine's best and only real choice. "I don't think there is a simple you, Sara. And I know myself pretty well; if you put those two things together the only possible answer is complicated. But, I've had simple. I've had things that weren't supposed to be complicated and I have no desire for that again. You and I, sweetheart, we sure as hell won't be simple."


	13. Chapter 13

**13.**

"No, Cath I don't think we will be," as she spoke Sara realized she was lowering herself closer and closer to Catherine's luscious mouth. In this position, she just seemed to be drawn in like there was no other choice than just to touch those softly smiling lips. When she was almost to her goal Sara felt Catherine's fingertips on her lips. At this sensation Sara's eyes opened the question obvious in them. She saw the smile still on Catherine's lips and waited for her to explain.

Catherine really wanted to kiss Sara, wanted it almost more than anything. She also knew if they started kissing they would have no chance of finishing this conversation, not with their bodies pressed together like this, one kiss and she knew she'd be a goner. "If you start that sweetie, there's no way I'll be able to answer your question. You are far too irresistible."

Sara had to wonder if blushing was going to become a habit around Catherine now. She could feel the heat rising in her face at the other woman's words and was again astonished that she was even capable of it. Sara had to smile at herself. She knew Catherine was right, maybe not so much about Sara's irresistibleness but about the fact that they wouldn't get anywhere with the talking if they started kissing again. As much as she wanted that, the feeling of freedom and wonder she found in kissing Catherine, she needed to know the answer. She needed to know exactly what it was Catherine wanted. There was no point in giving in to the desire if their conversation led to the place Sara feared most, the place where she was alone again. She placed a soft kiss to the fingertips still touching her lips and nodded her agreement. As the fingers moved away she spoke, "You're right, besides I really want to know, just how much complication do you want Cath?"

There she goes again just laying the question out there. No decoration, no subterfuge, just the blunt core of it. Catherine was quickly realizing she was going to have to get used to this side of Sara, though she should have expected it. The younger woman had often shown the ability to cut to the core of an issue in a case; this must just be how that translated into her personal life.

If Sara was willing to lay the question out there Catherine felt she really owed her the full answer, even if it meant rejection, she'd already come this far, no sense in chickening out now. "I want everything, Sara. I've been hiding from this…from you…for a very long time and it would seem all of my hiding has proven pretty pointless. You are a complicated woman Sara and I want to learn each and every twist and turn of you. I want to know you, all of you and I want you to know me. I want to have to resist the urge to kiss you at work when I pass you in the lab. I want you to cook me your favorite meal. I want passion, desire, crazy impulsive leaps of faith, romance. I want your complexity. I want your mystery. I want your dark and your light. I want all of the complication. I want you. I guess now I just need to know what you want Sara."

Sara wasn't exactly sure what to say. She was blown away by Catherine's answer. Astonished, really, by what Catherine was offering. And, truth be told, no one had ever really asked Sara what she wanted, not in this context. No one she had been with had really been concerned with what she wanted; not that she encouraged them to be. It was a lot easier to maintain your image of total self-sufficiency if you never let anyone know what you needed. Besides if you didn't ask you wouldn't be disappointed. Sara felt suddenly shy again in the face of what was about to happen, what they were about to embark on. "That's a difficult question for me Catherine. I'm not used to people needing to know what I want, especially when I want this much. I never imagined you would actually want to know. I never thought I'd want to tell you." Sara took a deep breath preparing to let the rest of it out. She was marshalling all her strength into answering this question. Of all the difficult truths Sara had shared with Catherine in the last hours she really believed these were the most difficult. Admitting the horrors of her childhood was actually easy in comparison. Those things were something Sara was used to, she had made space in her life for that pain. This was all about opening herself up for new, fresh pain. This was about taking the crazy leap of faith. Sara had never done that, ever. Now here she was on the precipice spreading her arms and taking off.

"I want to let you in. I want to truly share myself with you. I want you to be the person I don't have secrets from. I want to take you out and show you off. I want to paint your toes. I want to know all of your ticklish spots. I want to give in to the desire to kiss you when I catch you alone in the locker room at work. I want to hold your hand at the movies. I want to make out in the back row. I want the passion and fire you put into everything you do. I want to know the truth of you. I want you to call me on my shit. I want to call you on yours. I want to send you flowers for no reason. I want all of you." Sara couldn't believe she had said all of that out loud. She hadn't meant to, at least she was pretty sure she hadn't meant to. Now all she could do was hold her breath and wait for Catherine's response.

"Wow." Catherine knew that wasn't the most articulate response to all that Sara had said but she barely had a voice much less words to express how all this made her feel. Her heart was pounding, she could feel the edge of tears in her eyes, she felt new still unnamable emotions swelling in her. She couldn't believe this was finally happening. Sara wanted her, wanted to be a part of her life, wanted to share with her. Catherine also knew, even through her haze of wonder at this new development, she had to ask one last question. It was the final deal breaker, the one thing that would end this before it started if Sara couldn't deal with it.

"You really are amazing Sara," Catherine started to speak but paused.

"Why do I here a 'but' in there somewhere?" Sara could see the hesitation in Catherine, could hear it in her voice. She needed to know the last thing Catherine seemed to be holding back. After her admission there were many parts of her that were terrified she had said too much, admitted it all too soon. She needed to hear what Catherine still had to say, needed to know if it was going to send this crashing down. She also needed to know if it would save them both.

"It's not exactly a 'but' Sara. There's just something I need to know. When you say you want all of me does that include all of my life, does that include my daughter?" Catherine knew Sara liked Lindsey; she knew Sara and Lindsey talked. They had talked during the investigation of Eddie's death and a few times since that she knew. Often when Lindsey was at the lab for some reason, she would seek Sara out and Sara never seemed to mind but that was a far cry from Sara wanting to make permanent space in her life for a soon to be teenager. Much of why Catherine's recent relationships had stayed so casual was because none of the people she had been involved with showed a bit of interest in really being in Catherine's life. After everything they had said to one another there was no doubt that if they were going to get all the things they wanted casual wasn't really on the table.

At first, Sara didn't really know how to respond to the question. Was Catherine asking her if she knew Lindsey would always be her first priority, was she asking if Sara would pay attention to Lindsey when she was around, those seemed to be to simple, too easy, Sara knew Catherine had to be asking a more important question she just couldn't quite figure out what it was. "Catherine, I would never get involved with you and not expect it to impact your daughter. I know she is the most important thing in your life, any fool could see how much she means to you. You are an amazing mother." Sara's last words were tinged with a certain melancholy sadness, regrets over her own life clouding her words.

Catherine's hands had found their way into Sara's hair pushing it back from her face as she spoke, "Sweetheart, I want what we have to be real, to be complete, and I can't have that if you don't want Lindsey in your life. I'm not asking you to be her parent, that's a choice for you and her to make and it's a long way down the road, but if we are going to be together you'll need to be her friend."

"Wow." Sara found herself echoing Catherine's earlier truly articulate answer. She couldn't believe what Catherine was offering. She wasn't just offering Sara a place in her bed or in her dating life; she was offering Sara a place in her life, her whole life. She was willing not only to share her own heart with Sara but willing to share everything, willing to let Sara in all of her messed up glory have a relationship with Lindsey. With this realization Sara suddenly felt the need to make sure, to verify that Catherine was really saying all of this. "Cath, are you sure? Are you really willing to trust me like that?" Sara knew she hadn't really given Catherine a reason to trust her like that yet.

"Sara, sweetie, let me explain something very important to you that may have escaped your keen observation. In the last 24 hours I have trusted you with my spirit and my body and you have trusted me with yours. I don't just do that at the drop of a hat you know. And I am pretty damn sure you don't either. That required trust I have in no way earned, you simply granted it. I have seen so much in you, not just tonight but for so long, you have baggage no doubt about that. And at some point your issues may hurt me, there's no way I could risk this much and not realize that. But I've seen you, I've seen the way you've been with Linds, I've seen you with other kids on cases, if there's one thing I know about you Sara Sidle you would die before you hurt a child. I know you would always do the right thing when it comes to my daughter, I just have to know if you want to be in the position to need to worry about it." Catherine hoped Sara had heard her words not just in her head but in her heart. She hoped the younger woman was ready for this.

Sara was speechless. She was staring into Catherine's baby blues, she could see the honesty there, could see that Catherine meant every word she said. She could feel the soft touch of Catherine's hands holding back her hair, wrists resting on her shoulders. She could feel her own heart skipping a beat as she realized Catherine trusted her, implicitly, with the most important person in her life. Sara had done nothing in her life to deserve this, had not, in any way that she could see, earned it. Yet here she was being offered a dream. She could hear the voice of her heart telling her one thing very clearly. When the universe hands you everything you want on a platter don't be an idiot, take it. Sara did the one thing she could think to do to convey this message. She leaned down before Catherine could think to stop her, before she could think of reasons to stop herself, and kissed her. This wasn't a kiss meant to build the fires, it was kiss of promise and gentle devotion meant to convey all that Sara was feeling but couldn't yet speak.

Catherine felt Sara's kiss, felt all that it was meant to say. She could feel the gratitude, amazement, joy Sara was pouring into the soft flow of lips upon lips. She was nearly overwhelmed by all this one kiss was meant to show. She felt her fingers tighten slightly in Sara's hair wanting nothing more than to hold onto this moment for as long as possible. It wasn't every day you got to have a moment that told you everything you had ever wanted was right here in your hands and Catherine was going to cherish every single second of it. Slowly, much more slowly than it had begun Catherine felt Sara's lips pull away from hers. As softly as her lips had touched her Catherine felt Sara's voice touch her.

Sara's voice came out barely above a whisper, "Yes, Cath, yes this is exactly where I want to be."


	14. Chapter 14

**14.**

At those words, a dam burst in Catherine's heart. The fear she had held at being rejected, the feeling that this wouldn't go anywhere; that she would be left alone after a taste of the sweetness life had to offer was washed away in a flood of emotion. Sara wanted all of it, everything that being with Catherine meant. Catherine found herself lost in the look of joy sparkling in Sara's dark eyes. She couldn't believe how much those eyes had changed in such a short time. The haunted, fearful look she had seen there last night was pushed back to the shadows, outweighed by so much more emotion and new connection. Catherine had thought she would never let herself be here. She could not begin to express how happy she was she was wrong.

Sara could feel the touch of Catherine's gaze. She couldn't help but smile at the sensation. Had anyone asked her she would have thought it crazy to be able to feel how someone looked at her; but she could feel it…all the way to her toes. Catherine, in just a few hours had bulldozed through Sara's defenses leaving her open and vulnerable and the strangest thing was Sara was happy. Sara felt so many things she had never felt before, never experienced. It was as though so many words she had known her entire life had new meaning. She was just beginning to understand hope, courage, openness, happiness.

Sara had used all of these words, had thought she knew how they applied to her. The longer she looked into Catherine's eyes the more she realized she had been so wrong. She had hidden herself away protected by loneliness, solitude. Her family had taught her the punishment for showing emotion, for speaking up, for reaching out. She had let her father's death and her mother's imprisonment define her for so many years. She knew she had channeled all of those feelings of helplessness into her work, into giving closure to others where she had had none, but she was also realizing how she had applied those feelings to herself had created a life she really didn't want. And now, as though on cue, here was Catherine opening the door and showing her the whole bright new world outside.

Sara was once again lost in her thoughts, in her amazement that she was being given this chance. She was drawn from her internal musing, back to Catherine, by the sweet soft sound of the older woman's voice. "Sara, you really are an amazing woman, and this time there is no but following that," Catherine said with a loving grin. "I really can't believe we both finally let ourselves get here. Thank you." Catherine was fairly sure Sara wouldn't understand the thank you but that didn't stop her from saying it…everything Sara had given her and was promising to give definitely deserved a thank you. She had watched Sara as they laid there, watched her think and knew she was trying to figure out how she had let herself get here. Catherine knew they would both be trying to figure out how they had let their guards down for quite some time. But right now was not the time for that, right now was the time to enjoy the fact that they had.

"Again with the odd thank you Cath. I really don't think you should be the thankful one." Sara was endlessly perplexed by Catherine's ability to thank her for the strangest things. Here she was, lying in her bed on top of the most beautiful, challenging, incredible woman she had ever met being offered a chance at a real life, a family, love, and she was getting the thanks. Catherine was the one taking a big chance on Sara. The younger woman knew she was unpredictable, mercurial, and generally messed up; she should be the one spending the rest of her life thanking Catherine. It was enough to confuse even Sara's genius brain.

Catherine couldn't suppress a light chuckle at Sara's words. She had known Sara wouldn't understand, would not realize the gift she was. "Somehow, sweetheart, I knew you would say that," Catherine again couldn't suppress her smile at Sara's look of confusion. "I am thanking you because you are willing to risk yourself, you are willing to open up to me in a way I'm sure you don't often do. You are not only willing to share yourself with me but you are willing to share yourself with my daughter. You care enough about me to embrace all the complications I bring. You are taking that chance on me, of course I'm thankful." Catherine really hoped Sara understood how much this meant. She had a brief moment of concern and wasn't sure what to think when she felt Sara's weight shift off of her.

At Catherine's speech Sara realized something. She realized the entire internal dialog; all of the thinking about it wasn't going to show Catherine how she felt. She needed to share her own gratitude with Catherine, her own happiness. She needed to show Catherine more than the warm, fantastic, press of body on body. She needed to show Catherine that her gratitude was well placed that Sara was completely serious about wanting to be with her in all ways. She, with only a moment's regret at the lost contact, rolled off of Catherine's body and flipped back the blankets, careful to keep Catherine covered as the cool air brought a slight shiver to Sara's warm skin.

Catherine watched as Sara sat up wondering what would happen next. She nearly lost all ability at coherent thought when Sara flipped the covers off of herself exposing her beautiful body to Catherine's eyes. Seeing Sara naked was nearly enough to get Catherine to forget that she had no idea what the younger woman was about to do. Catherine had been able to predict the last couple of Sara's responses but this time she really didn't have a guess. She continued to wonder as she watched Sara's body move, watched the muscles under smooth skin as she put those never ending legs over the edge of the bed and stood, watched as thighs flexed lightly as she walked around to Catherine's side of the bed. Catherine was mesmerized by those muscles as they came to a stop facing her. She was drawn in, all she could do was stare as her eyes took in smooth thighs, the slight flair of slim hips, the softness of the ever so slight curve of stomach, the gentle shapely curve of breasts, on up to the sexiest smirk Catherine had ever seen, and then just a little further to smiling, soft, dark eyes.

"Like what you see?" Sara asked in a slightly cocky voice having just caught Catherine in what could only be termed, even by the most untrained observer, a lust filled stare.

Catherine knew she had been staring, knew she probably had a bit of drool on her lip, but she really, really couldn't bring herself to care. "Yes, yes I do," came her simple, eminently truthful answer.

Sara again, to her amazement, found herself blushing just a little under Catherine's appreciative gaze. It was almost enough to throw off her whole plan, almost but not quite. With her smirk still on her lips Sara extended her hand to the incredible woman in her bed, "So are you gonna lay there all day, or would you like to join me?"

Intrigued by the offer Catherine reached up to take Sara's hand while replying, "I had considered staying here but it would appear the best thing about this bed just got up, so sure, I'll join you. Where are we going?" Catherine couldn't keep the laughter out of her voice. She was witnessing a whole new side of Sara, she had said she wanted all of Sara and it seemed she was starting to get what she asked for.

Sara's smirk had transformed into a full blown smile as she helped Catherine up off the bed and pulled her into a warm embrace. "We, my dear, are going to breakfast. Last time I looked in my fridge there was some beer and mustard and those ingredients hardly lead to an impressive first date."

Catherine laughed out loud at Sara's statement. She couldn't help but marvel at this new Sara, this woman who had just asked her on date. Wait, Sara had just asked her out on a date. "First date, aren't we kind of doing this whole thing out of order? I mean I don't usually find out someone's most tightly guarded secrets and have mind blowing sex before the first date. I wouldn't want you to think I was easy."

"Cath, I would never think you were easy. It took us years to get here. That does not qualify as easy." Sara couldn't hide the laughter in her answer. As she stood there naked in her bedroom hugging Catherine she knew her entire life had just changed. The weight that had slumped her shoulders for so long seemed to be missing. She actually felt light; she felt like laughing, she couldn't keep the smile off her face. Sara had shed so many layers she wasn't sure who she was going to be now. All the things she had let define her; shape her for so long weren't hers alone anymore. She had someone, someone amazing, who was willing to share the burden.

Catherine could see the light in Sara's eyes could feel the happiness radiating from her. It truly was incredible to see the person Sara had kept buried and hidden for so long. Catherine had suspected there was more to Sara than the anti-social bookworm image she projected to the world. Catherine couldn't wait for the adventure of discovering all the things Sara was so good at hiding. "It's really true. We certainly took the long way to this place didn't we? So tell me, where are you taking me to breakfast?"

Sara could tell by Catherine's thoughtful tone that the first question really was rhetorical. The second question however was extremely important. Catherine probably didn't even realize how important it was. This moment for Sara was all about showing Catherine that everything they had shared here in the safety of her apartment would continue outside these walls. Sara was planning the first steps in showing Catherine everything she meant to her.

"We aren't going to go anywhere unless we manage to get dressed." As much as Sara was enjoying the feel of naked Catherine in her arms she knew she'd have to give that up for awhile if they were actually going to leave the house. Sara had to acknowledge, at least to herself, that she had never felt this comfortable naked before. But she also knew if she was going to accomplish her goal she had to push them in the direction of clothing.

Catherine decided she was feeling playful, "Tell me where we're going and I'll decide if it is worth getting dressed for." The older woman wrapped her arms more tightly around Sara's waist unable to resist the pull of being as close to Sara as possible. She wanted them to venture out into the day. She knew they could both use the reassurance that what they had was going to survive the light of day outside the safety of Sara's bed, but she just couldn't quite give up the touch of their bodies just yet.

"That depends do you want breakfast just the two of us or would you rather have company?" Sara figured she'd let Catherine vote before she made all the plans. She knew it had been over a day since she had seen her daughter, and she knew it was probably getting close to time for Lindsey to get picked up from her friend's house. Sara also wanted to make sure Catherine understood how seriously she took her promise to accept the younger Willows into her life as well.

"Are you asking what I think you are asking?" Catherine was a bit surprised at the idea that Sara was willing to share their new space so soon. She was truly touched by the gesture. It meant more to her than she could readily express. Sara was paying enough attention to know Catherine had to pick up Linds and to know that it had been awhile since she had seen her daughter.

"Yes, Cath, I was wondering if you needed to go get Lindsey and I figured if you did we could all go to breakfast. What do you think, are you ready to share?" Sara knew this was a tricky question. It was about the reality of the three of them spending time together, it was about Sara and Catherine venturing out together, it was about the future.

Catherine knew all of the serious elements involved in that question but she couldn't help but throw a little flirting into her answer as a grin spread across her face, "Sweetheart, I don't think I'm ever going to be ready to share you. But, I might make an exception in this case. I would love to have breakfast with you and Lindsey. Are you sure you're ready?

Sara knew Catherine was offering her time and space to adjust to this, she also knew that if she stayed here and thought about it the voices in her head would just make her question it. Right now she was sure, sure of her heart and sure of her choice there was no reason not to trust that feeling, not anymore. "I think it's the only thing I'm sure of Cath. I have a week of suspension to think about the rest of my life, right now I have something much more important to focus on. So you and me, why don't we put on some clothes and head out to take on the world?"

A wide smile broke out on Catherine's beautiful face as she took this moment to look deeply into Sara's eyes. The older woman could feel all of the emotion between them and could see her feelings reflected in those fathomless orbs. She knew this was the moment both of their lives changed forever, for better. "You and me sweetheart, we can take on anything."

**The End**


End file.
